Operation Soulmate Page 28
“Geraldine, come on now. You’ve studied enough to know that Angels cannot interfere with free will. Even God doesn’t interfere with your free will. Earth is the free-will planet. You all chose to forget everything when you came to Earth, for the joy of it, for the ride... remember.... the beautiful game.. And whoever you became as a result of that forgetfulness... well, we had no say in the matter. Those were the rules... We can’t, simply, change them now to suit you, much as we love you. Much as I feel your pain and would love to see you smile again...there’s nothing I can do...”
“But aren’t you interfering with my free will now? Don’t I have the free will choice, now... to remember? You know yourself that there was a time when Angels walked on Earth, among men and women and willingly shared the secrets of Heaven. Why can’t we return to that way of life? Are we not, now, allowed even a glimpse of it? And if not, then why are we even here???!!! What's the point of everything???!”
“It’s not a question of allowing, sweet child. If I remember correctly, you chose to ‘evolve’ away from that way of life. God didn’t choose this for you. Both you and God wanted to see what would happen if you were completely left to make your own choices. And in the end this, this endless riddle, is what you all chose, collectively, with every one of those smaller choices you made along the way. You chose forgetfulness. And you also chose, therefore, every act of dishonouring - of yourselves, each other, and all that you truly are - that naturally followed as a consequence. You chose every war, famine, pain, pestilence and injustice that was delivered obediently unto you, out of your many, many careless choices, or your neglectful lack of choice and action. You are responsible for all of it, across every lifetime. And every small act of continuing ignorance and negligence simply confirms that it all belongs entirely to you. You chose to turn away from loving-kindness, understanding and faith, and to fall deeper into forgetfulness. This is the very nature of the dream you have created here. This is the experience of life on Earth, for better or worse.”
Geraldine felt indignant now. She couldn’t imagine herself choosing any such thing...ever, at any point in humanity’s history. Why was it so impossible to make herself understood? She certainly didn’t feel a part of those choices! She’d never been able to understand why existence was the way it was: this shallow and tawdry dream, this self-centred half-life.
“Look at our lives down here.” She said. “Most of us live like dumb animals, scraping through from day-to-day, bewildered, spiritually impoverished, disconnected and, ultimately, so desperately and bitterly alone. Making do with unsatisfying treats, and baubles of self-congratulation and, all the time, still desperately searching for some meaning to it all. No one I know is truly happy. All we have is each other ...and the vague possibility that we might, one day, find another soul, who walks this earth, who can truly understand us. We have no idea who we are, or what we might become. Surely the work I do, the work Ben and I might do together, will help to change that...to offer some hope. I know you believe in that, Metatron. You’ve been sending messengers of these truths to earth, since the beginning of time. Are you telling me now, that they were all wrong, that my whole life has been... a mistake, a futile, cosmic brainteaser??!! A joke??!!!!! I have spent life-time after life-time fighting in wars, I didn’t believe in, for people I could barely stand to look at, much less, respect, always living someone else’s life, wandering sleepily, through someone else’s dream, feeling powerless and weak, never fighting back ... Dying in loveless despair. Well now I am fighting back, perhaps for the first time, ever. Because I finally understand what’s really, worth fighting for. A noble and just cause I’m, finally, willing to stand up for. Isn’t love worth fighting for!!!??? Surely there isn’t a rule, anywhere, in the entire universe, that can tell me it isn’t. So I demand my right, right now to fight for this love.
Metatron, sweet friend, please help me ...to fight for love.”
Metatron smiled, benignly. “Oh, Geraldine, sweet soul, if only it were that simple. Surely, you know, yourself, that you cannot cheat karma. The way you tried so heroically to, what were those choice phrases, now...“let yourself off the hook” and “tell the past to go...” what were the words you used? Geraldine looked, sheepishly, at the saline drip,
“Screw itself...” she mumbled, glancing down, at the polished and disinfected floors.
Metatron smiled, with appreciation. “A very admirable sentiment, for someone of your calibre, perhaps; someone who has struggled with issues of self-esteem and self-punishment for centuries. But you are not all built the same Geraldine. What if every gun-toting, red-necked reprobate could simply peer into the annals of time and find a course to self-forgiveness, for some of the most loathsome and depraved acts against the very soul of humanity, by letting themselves off the hook, and simply telling the past to go and..."
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Geraldine had to interrupt; she really didn’t want to hear Metatron use those words; she was old fashioned that way.
“Well ...tell me, what then, my love? What if they were, all, suddenly able to find a way to simply ...let themselves off the hook? The feelings of guilt and remorse you’ve carried like a burden, throughout the ages, these are the very things which have made you the person you are today and not the fact that you have, now, so wilfully, ‘let yourself off the hook’.
Geraldine sighed, deeply. “But no dyed-in-the-wool, gun-toting, red-necked reprobate would ever go for past-life therapy...would they???!! And, surely, if they did, they’d see themselves as they were, and understand more about the effects of their cruelty. Surely if they knew they’d be coming back, time and time again, lifetime after lifetime, to sort out the mess they’d made, they’d stop being gun-toting red-necked reprobates and learn from all of it, how to be better people..... Again, progress!!!!”
“Ah, but that’s where you’re, perhaps, a little misguided, Geraldine and, perhaps, also a little, inspired. To know yourself as love, this is all that the soul is ever seeking, and it is as inevitable as day follows night, that, in the journey towards this knowledge, all will, at some point, come to see themselves exactly as they are. There is no cheating love. Yet, you will all endlessly attract to yourselves, that which is truly living within the nature of your entire being, conscious and unconscious, across all junctures of time, space and parallel probability, in any given moment. This is not my law, or God’s law, it is inherent within in the nature of the most natural laws there are. It is not a prescribed system, imposed from above...It is not a vengeful punishment from an angry and uncivilised deity. It is simply the way of all things. Therefore in the very day that one of these destructive beings truly, comes to know itself as love, all acts of destruction against it, will simply pass away...in that final reckoning, and not before it. When you begin to question the deeds or misdeeds of the past, it is, perhaps, because you are ready to embrace more love and understanding. Yet if you come to this knowledge too soon or too quickly, you will miss the steps along the way, and invariably lose the learning that brings you to the truest truth of yourself. And when you come to truly know yourself as love, you cannot possibly do harm. No dye is immovable, and yet you cannot hope to remove the stains of the past with even an ocean of false premise.”
“Yes, and you said yourself that it’s impossible to cheat karma. So here we go, again, round and round, in circles, it seems. Your words are eating themselves, my friend. You say, on the one hand, that we can’t cheat karma and, in the same breath, you seem to be accusing me of cheating! You just said, that if someone seeks this knowledge, it’s because they’re ready to receive it. Surely, no one can look within themselves without becoming more self-aware. And true self-awareness always brings us, inevitably, back to love!! You said yourself that no dye is immovable. If everyone on Earth had even a glimpse of this mysterious truth and these feelings ...of sublime, Divine love. The feelings you have when you begin this inner searching, this precious journey...surely that would change them in an instant. So what... we a
ll have to suffer interminably, senselessly, just for the sake of it...to eventually win a place in Heaven? Is that what you’re saying, the old way, the old God, the woeful, iconic construct, ambling resentfully along the merry, medieval way?”
“Dear Geraldine, you know, yourself, that it is not a question of winners and losers. We are either all winners, or all losers in this game. You cannot win love. Winning is the domain of those who propagate the illusion of separation and supremacy, for their own ends. It's truly all for one and one for all in this game. Yet, do not make the mistake of seeing everyone at the same place of motivation as your dear, sweet self...and do not, either, ascribe any merit to these linear notions of good and bad, haste and time; it does not suit you. You know that there is a perfect plan for every soul...and that time is simply another machination...another series of unanswered questions...”
“But surely if we all knew that we didn’t, simply die and leave the rest of the world to sort out the mess we’ve created, we’d behave more responsibly. Surely if we all saw life as a continuum, we would respect it - and each other - much more.”
“Do you not see that you are in agreement with me...? Knowing that life is a continuum might, indeed, help you to adjust some of your short-term, short-sightedness, but believing that you can simply wipe the slate clean, from a perverse perspective, does not serve you at all. All who seek to genuinely atone must, surely, also understand, deep in their hearts the learning that comes from their suffering. With suffering comes true empathy, and with empathy comes true compassion ..and the genuine realisation of dharma...You cannot cheat at this game, you cannot win or lose at this game... there is no punishment except the soul trying constantly to correct its course to love, and in the end, there is only yourself, your God and the truth of love. Learning is as inevitable as breathing, and yet, he who would stop the breath in their own body - has chosen death. It is simply cause and effect Geraldine. If you cut yourself, will you not bleed? If you cause harm to yourself, or to another, or to the whole, will you not, at some point, atone in order to become at-one with all that is, once again. Everything else is simply, a part of the fascinating, human drama. The rest is between you and God.”
“Well what if I don’t believe in that God... this punishing and judgemental patriarch you seem to be proffering, once again. What if I believe in a God who is loving and forgiving...and...”
“Have you not understood yet sweet child, that it is not God who does the punishing? God is love; the love you constantly seek and the love you will return to in the end. This is your dream. When you all choose to wake up, you will soon see that there is no need for consternation. Do you not see that what you have created, as a mass consciousness, is a way to ensure that you become the best and brightest you can be, but with knowledge, and with conscious awareness of each step along the way. So that you can eventually return, slowly, and mindfully; back to love, through choice, and via the most colourful route imaginable. The very nature of God is creation and creativity. Where is the fun in reading a story, when an indiscreet friend tells you in advance, exactly how that story ends? The joy is, surely, in the unfolding...is it not? ...the discovery...the slow revealing.”
“So isn’t my therapy, just a part of that drama then?... that, ‘fascinating, human drama’? Isn’t it just a part of my journey to atonement?” She said, suddenly awash with futility.
“Perhaps...But do you really think that sitting on that couch for a few, short hours has erased an eternity of self-punishment, and all the stings of your beautifully chequered past? Some of them will be with you for some, considerable time to come. They have made you who you are. You cannot, possibly, hope to change the way these lessons from the past will form your character, in the present or the future, for better or for worse. Stop trying to look around corners, Geraldine. Stop trying to make the unmake-able, break the unbreakable. You are already made... beautifully... and continue to be honed quite skilfully, by the craftsmanship of life. And the very moment when you believe yourself to be most broken ...is sometimes the very making of you.”
“So we are in agreement once again... No one can erase the past with a few sessions of past-life therapy, but understanding the continuum - and the part we each play in the making and shaping of our world - will, in the end, at least inspire us to strive for something better ...So we’re both right...”
“There is no right or wrong Geraldine. ‘Right and wrong’ is precisely, perhaps, where you go wrong....where you stray so far from the heart of the matter. There is only cause and effect...” he said smiling. “But we do love the questions. The questions are the wonder of it all, the sweet wonder of you. The questioning is what makes you human...and beautiful in your complexity...in that time-honoured way you have, of endlessly seeking to re-discover what is already known to you. In search of sensation, you create something new each time, each one of you. But, in the end, we are all the same.
I was once, just like you. There is no, right or wrong, in what you did. It is simply a question of whether you, yourself, have gained a true understanding of your atonement for your previous, disregarding of love. Love of yourself, love of humanity and passionate love for this sweet soul who now stands beside me. Your heart knows the truth, Geraldine. And the truth of the heart is, always ....only love. It is not my job, to make or to break rules. My job is to keep the book and measure all things in it, against the beating of your truest heart, always ensuring that you, inevitably, become the bright jewel you already know yourself to be. Let go, Geraldine, and let life make you. Life has its own wisdom. And let love ...in the fullness of time, lift you among God’s most beautiful creations: the God of your heart’s understanding. Only in that moment when your soul is truly ready to ascend, will all things be made known to you, in the twinkling of an eye. Go out into the world and spread your beautiful messages of love. Not only for your own sake is it worth fighting for; it may be the only, true and noble cause left for humanity to defend. And defending it might, indeed, be their only hope...of true progress. As always, sweet friend, our exchange has been a blessing. Take my love and Ben’s love with you...always...”
Chapter 28
Geraldine watched, spellbound as the three of them disappeared into thin air. She stared out into the space they’d left behind and felt her world crumbling senselessly around her.
“NO!!!” She wailed into the empty room, still clutching the limp and lifeless hand.. “...NO, Ben, no!!! I won’t let you go Ben. I won’t let you go...Please don’t go, please don’t go...Oh God!!” She whispered, desperately, into his fingers. “...Oh God, Ben...don’t go, don’t go...I love you ...so, so, much...Come BACK. I need you!!!”
“Jesus, Gerry, don’t you ever stop talking, woman!?” Geraldine forced her eyes open to see Ben twinkling at her, as the machine beside him suddenly became very lively. She gasped loudly and blinked hard, in the early-morning sunlight. Birds were singing. How long had she been asleep? And more to the point, how long had she been talking in her sleep and what had she been saying!!!? It didn’t matter now. All that mattered was that Lena and Metatron were gone and Ben was sitting up in bed, smiling and joking.
Geraldine wasn’t sure what was real anymore. A few minutes ago, she’d been so completely convinced of her eleventh hour meeting with Metatron. But she suddenly had a feeling she would never really know for sure, whether it had actually taken place. She knew one thing though: that reality was based on a series of questions, and the answers themselves were, in the end, always subjective.
“Oh, Ben, we’ve been so worried!”
“Hey,” he said, squeezing her hand, gently, “How could I leave now, just when things are starting to get interesting?” She laughed. What did he mean? How much did he know? How much had he heard? And to which level of consciousness was he, even, referring!!?
Ben’s mum smiled at Geraldine from the chair on the other side of his bed as she squeezed his other hand affectionately. Geraldine scratched her head and simply allowed herself
to embrace complete bewilderment.
When Danny arrived a few minutes later, Geraldine finally agreed to go home and get some rest. She felt dazed and delirious...and deliriously happy at the same time.
“I don’t want to see you in here again until tonight,” said Danny, sternly, hugging her and leading her firmly towards the door. “I’m bringing Brogan over at seven. We’ll all see you then.”
“Huh,” said Ben, suddenly, very alert. “Brogan!”
Danny smiled coyly, rubbing a nervous hand across his shaven head. “Oh, yeah, Ben man, it’s a long story.” Ben smiled at Geraldine and rolled his eyes. She laughed and nodded, knowingly. Ben, lovely, lovely Ben, was back.
Geraldine rushed home and had a long, hot soak in the tub. Did they really think she’d be able to sleep at a time like this? She wanted to get back to the hospital, as soon as possible, to see Ben and make sure he really was awake...and alive! She wanted to spend every, possible minute with him. She spent the rest of the day tidying up, so the flat would be ready for his possible return home in a few days. Was he even coming home? She wasn’t sure. For all she knew, he was going back with Danny. With all of the drama and the relief of his quick recovery, the untangling of her Angelic debate - real or imaginary - and Danny’s prompt arrival at the hospital that morning, they hadn’t even had a chance to talk yet. Did he even know she'd found his letter and knew that there was no Lena?
There was nothing else for it. She would simply have to come right out and tell him exactly how she felt, even though there was still a worrying possibility that he no longer even felt that way about her. She was going to have to take charge of the situation, regardless of the consequences, and in the grand scheme of things, it was definitely a risk worth taking.
When she arrived at the hospital at six fifty-five she felt ridiculously nervous. She was greeted by Danny, Brogan and a very cheerful and clean-shaven Ben. “Surprise!!” they all chimed in unison, as Danny popped open a bottle of champagne.