Operation Soulmate Page 10

Thoughts of Geraldine and everything he had said to her earlier that evening replayed themselves in his mind, as the question suddenly rose up unexpectedly, in a tidal-wave of awakening. Why did he feel that he was only worth loving when he was helping someone or fixing them in some way? “Wow!” He whispered to himself as the question flew into his heart from, seemingly, out of nowhere.

  “Do you like them!!?” Susanna asked, from somewhere on the edge of his consciousness. But he was only half aware of her presence and the squealing that followed, as he struggled to keep his agonising eleventh hour re-appraisal at the forefront of his mind. "Oh I can’t believe you like them... This is so great!! Don’t be afraid to be honest with me sweetie... I can take it. I need the feedback.”

  “Susanna,” he said, without even making eye-contact. “I need to make some quick calls. I’ll wait for you in the car,”

  It was cold, brutal and it felt bad, but it was a cry from the heart.

  “Oh...okay...” ...She sounded disappointed, and for a moment, he was almost ready to produce a notepad and pen, and slip seamlessly into coaching mode, but he resisted. Was he being mean? He wasn’t sure. All he wanted was to take a nice woman out on a nice date. Was that too much to ask? Ben told himself he was being too touchy, but nevertheless, he settled himself into the car and took a few deep breaths just to see how it would feel. Just as he was beginning to stare at his watch and tap his fingers nervously on the steering-wheel, Susanna suddenly appeared at the door, looking gratifyingly stunning. He smiled and got out of the car to meet her. She kissed him on the lips, as he held the car door open for her. “I’m so, so sorry about that, Ben,” She said shyly.

  “That’s okay,” He said, smiling warmly. “You look beautiful.” Susanna blushed as she gracefully entered the car, smelling of roses. Perhaps it was all going to be okay. Perhaps he was progressing after all. “Okay, then...let’s go.”

  Geraldine decided she didn’t want to play games. Why was everyone so caught up in all these silly games and rules and all these ridiculous dating ploys and protocols! Why did she have to wait for Toby to call her? She knew how to use the phone. She had eight, fully operational digits and opposable thumbs. She was tired of everyone trying to manipulate every one else all the time to get what they wanted. That wasn’t love! That wasn’t who she wanted to be! In fact, it, actually, made her feel a bit depressed, just thinking about it. Why couldn’t people just get on with loving each other? Why did something so natural and beautiful and transcendent have to be so, contrived, prescribed and thoroughly thought out? Surely all these silly rules just didn’t apply to someone like her or the kind of man she was looking for. She wasn’t looking for what everyone else seemed to be looking for: a hollow sham of a relationship based on lies, pretence and endless power-play. She was looking for a true, deep and lasting connection with her truest soulmate, the other half of her very own being. Surely, when she found him, when she really, truly found him, there’d be no need for any games. And if what she wanted, what she truly, truly wanted, in her heart of hearts, and with every fibre of her being was to have a deep, honest and meaningful connection of heart, soul, spirit, body, mind and consciousness, then surely the creation of that union could only be born out of an honest and meaningful beginning. Something deeper than all that, he-said-she-said stuff that regular 3D people got themselves mixed up in.

  Geraldine sighed. Everyone had made love so complicated now. And, at the same time, everyone complained that everyone else had made it that way. That everyone else was just too calculating, controlling, manipulative and dishonest and everything, nowadays, was just so contrived and controlling and crap. It just didn’t make sense. Who was this ‘everyone else’, that everyone else was always talking about? If everyone wanted to be really honest and spontaneous and loving and guileless, then who were all these other, other people who were causing them to be otherwise? And if everyone else was only doing it so they wouldn’t be made a fool of by everyone else, why didn’t someone just realise that they were, in fact, everyone else and just stop it?!!! Set a trend...be real and make that the truth, the new truth, the truer truth. Geraldine signed deeply. The truth was a very, very... funny thing...

  She thought about Ben and all his theories about dating. Yes, he was an absolute genius in the field of human behaviour, and yes, he knew all about people. Other people that is... but now that she really came to think about it, in terms of being able to really open his own heart, all these people-skills had gotten him precisely nowhere. Geraldine decided that this was probably the real reason Ben was so unsuccessful with women... He simply knew - or thought he knew - way too much about them. He was a victim of his own brilliance. Why couldn’t he just relax and let love happen? What was he so afraid of? Geraldine deeply suspected that all of Ben’s plotting, scheming, knowledge, learning, training and observation skills were just another very clever way he’d found to avoid emotional involvement and the risk of possible disappointment and pain.

  Eight O’clock on a Wednesday evening seemed as good a time as any to call someone. No games, no forward planning, no Ben-rules. She picked up the phone and was just reaching to press the buttons when it vibrated playfully in her hand and suddenly, Toby’s name was flashing on her screen. A sign if ever there was one!

  “Toby, Hi,” She said, somewhat breathlessly. “That is so weird. I was about to call you. How are you?”

  “Wow,” said Toby, “How’s that for synchronicity?” It turned out that Toby had been meaning to call all week but had been caught up in endless meetings and issues at school. Geraldine had to admit that from the account he gave of his week so far, his life did sound, uncannily, like Ben’s description of it. He even mentioned something about the special needs coordinator asking to take some time off for a while, due to work-related stress. Ben was spooky. The only difference was that, in reality, Toby seemed to have a little more time to spare than he had in Ben’s extreme scenario and, apparently, plenty of it for her.

  By the time she came off the phone, twenty minutes later, her head was swimming and she couldn’t stop smiling. Speaking to Toby had put her in a magical place, and the fact that they had a date this coming Saturday only added to that magic. She called Brogan immediately.

  “Oh my God, that’s great!!!” She squealed. “I knew he’d call ya. He really liked ya. Have you told Ben yet?”

  “No, Ben’s out...on a date, I think.”

  “Oh, really....”

  “Well don’t sound so amazed. He does go out sometimes.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know darlin’. It’s just...well anyway... good for him, huh?”

  “Yeah, great for him.” said Geraldine a little too enthusiastically. “He deserves to be happy.”

  “Yeah, sure, I know that darlin’...” Brogan just couldn’t figure out the deal with these two. The chemistry between them was practically volcanic, and so obvious to everyone but them, it seemed. “Anyway, are we still on for tomorrow?”

  “Er...I don’t know. I don’t know what to think now.”

  “It’s up to you hon, I’m up for it if you are but I completely understand if you’re not so into it now.”

  “Okay well, yes. I mean, I am really glad he’s called, at last. But I did promise Ben I’d stick with it ...you know the whole, Operation Soulmate thing. And I can tell you’re really looking forward to going.” Geraldine didn’t really feel a burning desire to go, but it seemed so unfair to just back out, now that she had a date, and even though she was just too nice to say it, she could tell Brogan did still want to go.

  “No, seriously, sweetie, yeah, sure, I was really looking forward to it, but I’m totally okay with whatever you decide.”

  “We’re going!”

  “Ah, cool. What time are we meeting?”

  “Eight 0’Clock, Leicester Square tube?”

  “Brilliant! Is Ben coming?”

  “Yeah”

  “Ah...sweet.”

  “Yeah, Ben’s soooooooo sweet!! Isn’t he?!”

/>   “He’s lovely.”

  There was an uncomfortable pause, as Brogan hovered momentarily on cusp of saying more about Ben, and then through better of it. “Okay then darlin’, gotta go. See ya there. Can’t wait!”

  Geraldine spent the rest of the evening imagining Toby in a variety of dating situations and trying to meditate on how things might have been between them in some of their previous lifetimes together. Toby's solid, gym-honed physique drifted effortlessly through her mind, playing the starring role in a mental montage of possible past and future Toby moments. Toby taking her out dancing, Toby ordering wine in a variety of romantically-lit restaurants, Toby sitting next to her on a Jamaica-bound flight, off to visit the birthplace of her parents, Toby meeting her family, out jogging with Toby, in the Park, on a Saturday afternoon, Toby meeting her after work...and then, Oh God, she still hadn’t told him, yet, what she did, for a living, Toby rubbing her tired shoulders at a book-signing. Toby in Rome, Toby in ancient Egypt, Toby in the French resistance...On and on it went until she finally heard a key turning in the lock. It was Ben and the mystery woman. She recognised the voice. She could hear them discussing something at the door. It sounded very intense. She quickly gathered up her things and scurried off to her room. It was what they did for each other in these situations, just a part of the way they functioned, getting out of each other’s way when the need arose and completely being there for each other when that was what was called for.

  Geraldine closed her door silently. She could hear Ben using his coaching voice and the mystery woman replying and giggling intermittently. She shook her head and sighed. Ben needed her help just as much as she needed his. She switched on her ipod to block out the sound of their chatting and fell asleep, listening to India Arie singing I am Ready for Love while imagining Toby being all masterful and commanding, in a staff meeting, discussing meta-learning and motivational strategies ...or some such.

  Thursday evening rolled around too quickly, with its promise of speed dating and now, the added complication that she was just going through the motions with Operation Soulmate, simply because she’d promised Ben she’d "play full out."

  As they stood outside yet another hotel, she felt strangely nervous. Not because she thought she might meet someone but just because of the whole nature of the thing and the fact that she was slightly uncomfortable in these brassy and demanding social situations, at the best of times. Situations that called for her to be ‘a bit of an extrovert,’ always left her feeling nervous. Not because she lacked the required ‘social skills’ (as, simply being human and nice, had now been aliased) but because certain situations seemed to just cry out to a person to prove that they possessed them, even, when all they really felt in the mood for was to secrete themselves away and spend time alone, being who they really were. Or to even stand in the midst of a crowd, being who they really were.

  How would that go down, she wondered. Surely it just wasn’t allowed yet. She smiled quietly, took a deep breath and decided to be as uninteresting and disinterested as she really felt and see what happened. But as soon as the first nice guy approached her for a brief pre-event chat, her resolve crumbled and she found herself wanting to be giving and warm and infectious with love and lovingness. Toby’s call had made her feel like this, as if she was walking on air and just wanted everyone to be loved-up and happy. She had a boyfriend; she was sure of it. And now, here she was betraying him by using up his love-vibe on a bunch of random strangers. She smiled graciously when her new companion asked if he could get her number, and was just about to say “I’m sorry, but I’m already seeing someone,” when she suddenly remembered where she was and that this was probably not a cool thing to say at a speed dating event!!! From across the room, she could feel Ben’s eyes on her, and turning fully in the direction of his benign glare she could see him giving the guy a discreet, thumbs up. She reluctantly gave him her number.

  Carl was a tall, fiercely good looking guy of mixed heritage with piercing, green eyes, set against an absurdly rich backdrop of honey-coloured skin. Normally, Geraldine would have been blown away, just on the basis of how he looked, but not tonight. Not with Toby’s call still ringing in her ears and his deep, soulful, spine-tingly, self-assured voice filling up her senses.

  Carl worked for an organisation involved in outreach work, mainly bringing spirituality practices, therapies and creativity into homeless shelters, women’s refuges and children’s homes, through talks, seminars, mindfulness workshops, theatre projects, healing sessions, goal-setting exercises and assertiveness-training. It was amazing work, he was a beautiful human being and Geraldine decided it would probably just be nice to stay in touch with him anyway, whatever happened. She was just about to shake his hand, warmly, and walk away in search of Brogan, when he suddenly moved his head close to her ear and said. “I’d really love to see you again, Geraldine...I mean, take you out some time. Would you be into that?” Geraldine was genuinely stunned. So much for being uninteresting! What the heck, she thought. Let’s just see what happens.

  “Okay,” she said, suddenly, feeling wildly attractive. “That sounds nice.” It wasn’t being a player, it just ...giving a friend a number they could reach you on...if they needed to contact you about something...like taking you out on a date. No!! Like discussing the merits of outreach work with you...

  Over in another corner of the room, Brogan was chatting to two gorgeous personal-trainer types. She seemed to be having the time of her life. Ben raised his eyebrows expectantly as Gerry walked briskly towards him. “Okay, before you ask me, there’s nothing to say. Yes, I gave him my number but, no, I’m not going out with him, I’m going out with Toby.”

  “Stop fixating and just see what happens.” Ben looked as if he was enjoying himself as well. A small group of women had gathered fairly close to him and were all checking him out thoroughly. Geraldine was quick to notice that he seemed to have little or no interest in any of them, although he was blushing deeply and clearly aware of the stir he was causing. Maybe things with the mystery woman were more serious than she’d previously thought.

  Brogan, suddenly appeared between the two of them looking hot and flustered. “Phew, I can’t believe it,” She said excitedly, “This thing hasn’t even gotten going yet and I’ve got three phone numbers off three different guys already. I’m coming here again!”

  Ben looked as if he was suddenly struck by an idea. “You don’t need to” he said, grinning knowingly. “I know the perfect guy for you! My friend Danny, he’s a great guy and he’s just your type. You’ll love him. I’ll fix you up.” Brogan hated being fixed up. There was just something so....desperately awkward about it... and desperately desperate! And friends who were always so sure they were fixing her up with, ‘just the perfect guy’ were always so, so, horribly wrong, it just left her wondering whether they really knew her at all... She cleared her throat.

  “Wow, thanks Ben, but you know what, I’ve been fixed up loads of times before. Not putting you down mate, or your friend, but I think I’ll take my chances here for a while. This is brilliant!!” She added, as she darted off to check her immense mass of hair in a nearby mirror.

  Ben reeled slightly as if a hurricane had just rushed past him. “Wow,” he said under his breath, “That is one out of control woman.” Geraldine laughed. Ben smiled. “Danny would love her...” Geraldine nodded enthusiastically and laughed again. She knew exactly what Ben meant.

  Danny and Brogan were made for each other. Both full of irrepressible fun and life and, despite having been treacherously betrayed in the past, both still holding on to a blazingly honest capacity to love deeply, open-heartedly and with the same fiery intensity...and endless, fearless hope.

  “We so have to get them together,” Geraldine agreed.

  Chapter 9

  The rest of the evening went smoothly. It wasn’t quite as scary as it might have been. It was a bit more laid-back than regular speed dating. For one thing, the evening began with everyone spending thirty
minutes or so on ice-breaker games and continued by slowly easing the assembled crowd into the laid-back speed-dating session itself, which was made much easier by the fact that all of the chatting and bonding took place on comfy sofa’s strategically arranged, to create a feeling of cosiness and privacy for each couple. Then there was the fact that, with each ring of the bell, a new topic of conversation was given by the organisers. This meant that everyone had an opportunity to share some of who they were, through what they thought and felt about other things, rather than just crassly displaying who they wanted everyone to think they were. There were incense sticks, candles and aromatherapy oils burning around the room, and beautiful, evocative music was piped through speakers at just the right volume, all night long. There was none of the awkward banter or the stilted silences, that appeared when two otherwise sane people were suddenly commanded to announce themselves for ten uninterrupted minutes.

  Geraldine actually had a great time. It was lots of fun, especially when the topics were life after death and the definition of a soul mate...two of her favourites. Ben looked happy, as well, and Brogan was practically delirious by the time they left. Geraldine had been quite excited by her discussion with Carl on Atlantis and, of course, by some bizarre twist of fate, she’d ended up sharing her speed-discussion on soulmates with Ben. And she’d actually been, quite surprised and inspired by some of his insights, to the point where she’d even thought of making some additions to her twin-flame checklist. He never ceased to amaze her. How could it be that you could live with someone for two years and learn more about them in ten minutes sitting on a couch in a room full of strangers than you’d previously learned in all that time? Geraldine couldn’t help wondering what other surprises there were to come from Ben. It was almost worth continuing with Operation Soulmate just to find out.

  After dropping Brogan off, they chatted happily and easily about the evening, on the drive home. “So did you get any phone numbers then?” She asked Ben, playfully, knowing what the answer would probably be.