Operation Soulmate Page 21

  “Charlotte,” she said, “I’d like you to move ahead in this lifetime to an event that might be important for Geraldine to remember.”

  Charlotte nodded, impatiently. She seemed to have a slightly irritable personality in this lifetime.

  “Oh NO!” she said, gasping and squirming slightly, as the scene began to change around her. “It’s my husband, he’s home early; he’s going to find us.”

  Cassia listened, as Charlotte told her the story of how unhappy and bored she’d become in her loveless, marriage to William, and how, at first, she’d started writing a journal to keep her mind busy and her imagination alive. Then the tedium had become too much for her and she had begun to fill her days with a succession of lovers instead. Her current passion, Jonathan, the gardener’s eldest son, was the first man she had ever truly allowed herself to fall in love with, and at that precise moment, he was just unfastening her corset when they heard doors slamming downstairs. “Oh, God, it’s awful,” she continued, almost delirious “This is going to end very badly; I just know it is, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it! William is a very jealous man! I’m sure he knows about my indiscretions, but to be confronted with one in this way will simply be too much for him.”

  “Okay, Charlotte, this feels very important. I know this might be hard for you, but can you tell me if Jonathan is someone Geraldine knows, someone she’d recognise from this lifetime?" Geraldine took a deep breath, summoned up all her powers of concentration and looked into the eyes of her lover, the only man who had ever truly made Charlotte come alive. For a moment, it was as if the world stood still and also held its breath, until suddenly, she almost laughed when she saw Ben’s beautiful twinkly eyes staring back at her with deep concern, from Jonathan’s panic-stricken face. “It’s Ben,” she said, through barely repressed giggles of sheer mortification. So it wasn’t the first time she’d been tempted to explore the mysterious atmosphere on Planet Ben.

  “Okay Charlotte, I want you to fast-forward slightly and tell me what happens next.” Geraldine tried to steady her breathing, as she explained the scene unfolding all around her.

  “William has discovered us together and is threatening to get his old military rifle to shoot Jonathan ...or me...or both of us. No...wait! He’s leaving the house. But I need to see him...I need to explain... He’s gone for hours and when he returns, Jonathan has gone too, and I’m still here... waiting for him ...to shout at me, scream at me anything, anything to end the shallow numbness of this horrible, dull existence. He looks so hurt... but he doesn’t talk about it. He just carries on as normal, as if nothing has happened. I’m lost, so lost inside. I am wracked with remorse, but even that kind of passion has no outlet in this insane marriage. I want him to punish me, scold me, throw me out into the street, with at least my dignity in tact, but he says and does nothing. I wish he would kill me, but that would be much, more than I deserve. I am wretched, and now I must live with my guilt and carry on being the dutiful wife in public, and the lonely house-frau in private. William won’t even touch me anymore. It’s horrible. But I shall take no more lovers. I have no more feelings; There’s no love in me now...Perhaps there never was...”

  Cassia sighed along with Geraldine, as the absolute weight of Charlotte’s inertia and despair began to seep into the room and, for a second, threatened to take over. “Okay, Emily,” she said, whisking the room away from the desperation. “Can you fast forward now to the end of this life and tell me how it concludes Charlotte...”

  Geraldine shuddered as she tried to shake off the general feeling of damp and disillusionment. “It’s cold and dark,” said Charlotte. “My room is always so cold and ...so dark. I’m still young! I need the light!! My spirit seems to call itself away into the light. I’m sick. Some say I will die of a broken heart. I am coughing and wheezing all day long. My body defeats me daily. My chest hurts. I’m like an old woman, and yet I am only in my twenty-fifth year... I want to die. I think I shall die of broken heart.. I shall simply close my eyes and never open them again. There’s no love here for me.” Geraldine felt all of the lights around her slowly going out, for one last time, as sweet peace descended upon Charlotte and she allowed herself to be drawn into the light of infinite love.

  This time when she regained full consciousness, Geraldine wanted to talk. There was no way she could just walk out into the world, still carrying that horrible, numb sadness around with her. She needed to process it...now, as Geraldine. Cassia listened intently, as she talked about her relationship with Toby, her passionate encounter with Ben, her soulmate yearnings and her recent dream. Cassia smiled and nodded sympathetically, as she continued adding to her notes, while Geraldine poured out a life-time of ambivalence and paradoxical desperation over her thwarted love-life. When she finished speaking, Cassia leaned forward and said quietly...

  “Geraldine, something important is definitely beginning to surface, here: Something very reassuring and wonderful, about your potential to love deeply and to surrender completely, to that love. Trust it ...and let’s continue to go forward without attachment, and just see where that bright, new possibility leads us.” Geraldine smiled and nodded contentedly. Cassia smiled and rounded off the session with a couple of belief-change exercises and a grounding visualisation, and when the session was over, she stood up to open the door for Geraldine. She gazed at her for a moment, and said. “Geraldine, I have a sense that our next session is going to be a very important one. Have a wonderful week, and be good to yourself.”

  Geraldine, almost skipped out of the therapy-centre and decided to spend the rest of the week getting very serious about having some fun. Lightness and fun, were definitely what she needed, what her soul needed, what Charlotte deserved, and what Patrick should have spent his childhood enjoying, instead of polishing rifles. And she was going to make sure they all had some...immediately! She started by taking herself to the cinema on the way home, and deciding spontaneously to just watch anything that sounded even vaguely funny. She had a great time, eating popcorn, and throwing her head back, laughing uproariously at a hilarious farce about a funeral.

  On the way home, she mentally re-affirmed that her birthday would definitely be a small gathering of just her closest friends: a maximum of eight... including Ben. She even toyed with the idea of just having a very quiet, contemplative, solo celebration, something thoughtful and maybe a bit ceremonial but she knew Ben would probably never let her get away with that. For some unknown reason, she suddenly wondered whether he still remembered the small-print in the Operation Soulmate deal, and whether there was any chance he still had the same ideas about marrying her if no one else would. When would be a good time to broach the subject and let him off the hook? Thank God she’d never taken his offer completely seriously. Yes, she still wanted to be married... more than ever, but not just for the sake of it! Not to just anyone who'd have her! Hadn’t she just seen in her own regression, exactly what the wrong kind of marriage - a marriage of convenience - could do to everyone concerned? Surely Ben deserved more than that...and so did she.

  She had to find a gentle way to let him know she didn’t think it was such a good idea. That with this new awareness of her soul's history, it was incumbent on her to ensure that all of her romantic affairs should be conducted from the highest level integrity possible. Poor Ben, he’d probably be so relieved. Right there and then, she lovingly released Ben from Operation Soulmate and from any other ties or regrets the two of them might share, across all directions of time and space. He was the most treasured friend she had ever had, and that kind of friendship was worth preserving and protecting at all costs.

  When she returned home, she was surprised to find that Ben had waited up for her. He was sitting at the kitchen table looking sad. She hated to see him looking sad. He looked up at her and simply said.

  “Gerry, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you but ...I just didn’t know how to until now. There’s just no way I can put it off any longer. It wouldn’t be fair.
..”

  She stared at him, blinking back completely irrational tears. Something felt very wrong...yet deeply familiar. As if it had happened a million times before in way that she could neither explain nor understand. She’d never even seen Ben look unhappy before.

  She sat down in the chair opposite and prepared for a body-blow. “I’m leaving.” He said, decisively, “I’m going to live in New York. The thing is, G, I’ve met someone, and I’ve been offered work there and... well... it just seemed like a good time to be moving on, you know, starting a new chapter in my life...I’m so sorry, Gerry.”

  Geraldine stared, open-mouthed and bewildered, hardly able to take in what was happening. She stared a lot longer, hoping that if she stared at him long enough something might change; perhaps he’d break into a smile and say “Ha-ha, got ya.” Okay, it would have been an unusually cruel joke for him, but she would have forgiven him instantly, just from the sheer relief of it not being true anymore. But it was true. Ben was leaving her. Ben had finally found someone who could love him the way he deserved to be loved, someone who was apparently worth travelling half way across the world for. And Geraldine was going to be left truly, completely and utterly alone.

  Chapter 21

  If Geraldine had thought she’d have trouble getting used to the idea of Ben leaving, the discovery that he would be leaving in less than a week came as an even bigger shock. That was the body-blow, right there. A week just wasn’t long enough. Not long enough for him to realise what a mistake he was making, not long enough for someone to offer him a better and more lucrative set of assignments in London, not long enough for him to realise he just couldn’t leave, not when it really came down to it. Ben was going and there was absolutely nothing she, or anyone else, could do to stop him.

  The following morning when Ben went clothes-shopping for his new, international assignments (and undoubtedly his new girlfriend) Geraldine sat alone for hours, staring into space and wondering about 'her'. Who was she, and where had she come from so suddenly?!!! She couldn’t face anyone or anything, so she simply called in sick - which wasn't far from the truth at all, as she did actually feel physically sick whenever she thought of Ben leaving. She was torn between being genuinely happy for him, being completely selfish about keeping him in her life, and just wanting to be rid of the horrible feeling of futility that was growing in the pit of her stomach, at the thought of losing him forever. In the end, it was being happy for him that won by a hair's breadth. She knew that any kind of relationship success had been a long time coming for Ben, and he truly deserved to be free to enjoy it.

  The days that followed were clearly a mad rush for Ben. He didn’t seem to have time for anything except packing, and was being particularly evasive about his new mystery woman. All Geraldine had managed to glean from his generally vague responses, so far, was that he’d met her on his trip to New York, her name was Lena, and she was a physiotherapist from Queens. That was all she knew about the woman who was suddenly taking Ben away from her.

  As she sat trying to piece together the events of the past few weeks, it all began to make sense. He’d been so preoccupied and so...different....so... detached, somehow. And all of those hushed phone-calls. No wonder he’d been so secretive about his love-life. Geraldine smiled ruefully. Good for him, she thought, fighting the strangest feelings of biting resentment, and continuing to smile, joylessly, good for him.

  Apparently, he didn’t have an address, as yet, so most of his things were going into a storage unit until he figured out where he was going to settle. He planned to stay in a hotel until he found somewhere to live or decided it was the right time to move in with Lena, but he told Geraldine that, at least for the time being, he could be reached by email. He insisted he’d call her as soon as he felt more settled.

  By the time he actually left, Geraldine was a complete wreck. The final straw and the thing that had inexplicably depressed her most was when Ben, himself, asked to be released from the more personal terms of Operation Soulmate! That conversation had been particularly galling for some reason. Not even Ben was prepared to marry her now...even as a favour. Well, okay, it was a fairly big favour to ask, now that he was probably already thinking of marrying Lena at some point. The whole thing was obviously one of those whirlwind courtships, with soulmate-ish overtones, so who knew where it might lead? Maybe this Lena was even his twin flame! Geraldine sighed and suddenly felt as if she’d been sighing for a lifetime. When was all the sighing going to end!!???

  When the fateful day finally arrived and she waved him off in his cab and closed the door behind her, she felt swallowed up in the aloneness. He’d even managed to sell his car. Even his car had left a great, big, gaping space on the driveway. She wandered, absent-mindedly, into his room and stood gazing around at the emptiness, sighing deeply as she plopped herself down onto his bed and ran her hands across the pillow, allowing some unnamed feeling to engulf her for a second or two. She sniffed bravely and got up to look inside his wardrobe, for no apparent reason. It smelled of pine sawdust ...and Ben.

  Sunday was agony. Geraldine, spent most of the day just sitting around alone, knowing she would never again hear the familiar sound of Ben’s key turning in the lock, or his bunch of keys clattering joyfully onto the kitchen table. She would never again smell coffee brewing when her eyes first opened in the morning and know he’d be there in the kitchen, with rolled up sleeves and crazy hair, poring over a coaching manual. She'd never again catch him observing her skilfully, with a wistful smile and a generously filled cup, as she chatted about the previous day's events or her latest dating dilemma. She’d never see his face reappearing in the kitchen five minutes after leaving, as he returned to collect his phone....or keys... or files or something else he'd forgotten in his gleeful rush to greet the world. She’d never smell his hair again, or hear him coaching in the next room. She tortured herself with images of the times they’d spent together, their little rituals, their silly spats, their take-away nights in, their deep and soulful connection, his eyes, his smile, his touch...

  Her mind began to play tricks on her. At one point, she thought she’d heard that familiar clatter of keys, and rushed out into the kitchen, only to find ghosts of him, and a deeper chasm of loneliness that she had ever known. By the time Sunday evening rolled around, she was grateful that her session on Monday night would bring her out of herself, literally. Perhaps she could find Ben somewhere in a previous incarnation, one in which they’d remained close friends until the very end.

  Work the following Monday was mercifully insane, with too much intense busyness to allow her to even think about Ben, or herself, or the silent flat she would be returning to later that night. She felt sheer relief when she walked into Cassia’s office and slumped onto her couch with such force that Cassia insisted she talk it out before they started the work. Geraldine sat sniffing quietly as she went into greater detail about the entire story of her relationship with Ben: the way they’d met, the connection they’d shared, the fact that Ben had now left to live in America with some woman he hardly knew, and the horrible pain and regret she now felt.

  Cassia sat listening, carefully, and eventually said, “Geraldine, I’m sensing that there could be a lot more to your friendship with Ben than you’ve perhaps been willing to admit so far.” Geraldine stopped sniffing and watched Cassia warily. “I'm noticing that there’s something very familiar about the way you’re feeling about Ben’s sudden departure.

  And I’m just wondering whether you might have noticed how consistent these feelings are with some of the themes we’ve explored in your previous sessions?” Geraldine nodded, ruefully. “... themes of loss, thwarted love, remorse and self-reproach. It all seems be showing us a very persistent and repetitive pattern. But there does, also, seem to be another thread running counter to these feelings of desperation: The enduring and seemingly redemptive quality of your love for Ben... And I'm wondering whether you’d be willing to explore that thread with me?”

  Gera
ldine suddenly felt naked as she sat there on the couch feeling dejected and exposed in all her raw truth, preparing to bare her soul, once again. She could sense that there was something potentially frightening and inherently dangerous about her connection with Ben throughout the ages, however, she also knew that whatever Cassia was about to say, was the key to something she would have to face if she was ever going to find the peace she longed for. She nodded again and smiled weakly in an attempt to show that she understood, and was ready to handle whatever came next.

  “I’ve noticed that in both of the lifetimes we’ve explored... and, indeed, even in this current lifetime, Ben has been with you as an intimate ally, the only person who is ever allowed to see you as you really are. And I wonder whether your unconscious mind is ready to release some of the memories that might fill in the gaps in this on-going story ....the story of Geraldine and Ben.” She said, smiling compassionately. Geraldine nodded again, without thinking. It was time.

  “Yes,” she said, without reservation. “Yes, that feels right.” Cassia smiled.