Operation Soulmate Page 23

  “I know it was a mistake to love him but I had no choice, I was driven by that insane kind of love that makes two mortals mad for each other, we both were. I must never let myself feel that love again. I will return to Earth lifetime after lifetime and devote myself to paying penance to the Angels for what I have done. This punishment, this stupid, transitory death means nothing to me. What I have lost is far greater.”

  “P’tah, is there anything you can tell Geraldine that might make her feel better about the horrible price she is still paying, in this lifetime, for something that happened so very long ago that it surely doesn’t matter anymore.” There was a long silence, in which P’tah scoured the universe in search of answers and penance and further judgement, but only found golden lights, friendly faces, angels, colourful books and limitless, beautiful possibilities. She smiled idiotically, as she slowly began to see the absurd nature of her own self-imposed sentence. And suddenly, none of it made any sense anymore! All this suffering, and what for!!? She could see now that she had somehow blown things hugely out of proportion! All those who lived on Earth had once been Angels. Angels who had made that same, blameless choice, of finding out how all the things they felt in consciousness, might feel in another dimension... the dimension of tangibility and flesh. In the end, The Angels would welcome them all home with a smile. So what purpose did it really serve, all the regret and self-torture. What purpose could it possibly serve Geraldine, in this lifetime, light-years away and several aeons later? Life was an opportunity, a sacred gift of joyful self-discovery. Not a consolation prize or a punishment. Life was a God-given gift, and God didn't play dice. There were no accidents, only opportunities. She could see it all so clearly now.

  Cassia waited patiently, breathing in time with Geraldine and P’tah, through the tempests of several other stormy possibilities and timelines, holding space for all the stories, the calm at the eye of the storm, until eventually, P’tah spoke. “Tell her... tell Geraldine.. that I set her free...” she said, with fresh tears now streaming down her face, as Geraldine’s exhausted body relaxed and released a litany of ancient woes.

  Some time passed, as Cassia waited for the crying to abate, but these were no longer tears of self-pity. They were righteous tears, tears of healing, renewal, joy, release and redemption. Cassia could almost hear the door to Geraldine’s self-imposed prison cell creaking open as she took several deep breaths and eventually allowed herself to step out into the light of a bright, new wide open day, full of loving possibility.

  When Geraldine left Cassia’s office for the last time, it wasn’t so much with a spring in her step as with a bold determination to get home to that big, empty flat as soon as possible and to confirm what she already knew in her heart. She closed the door behind her and rushed into her room, wiping away a stray tear before reaching for the carved wooden box, which lovingly held the infamous twin flame check list. She read through the list carefully, ticking off each of the criteria, this time with her beautiful and eternal connection with Ben at the forefront of her mind.

  Twin Flame Checklist

  Sense of familiarity as if you’ve always known each other

  Similar tastes in aesthetics, clothes, people and food.

  You have similar beliefs and share an interest in similar causes. You are here on the same Divine mission and work for the benefit of humanity in similar and complementary ways.

  Telepathy and deep empathy: feeling as if you each, always know what the other person is thinking and how they’re feeling.

  You may have difficulties to overcome, for example, you might be from different backgrounds or belong to difference races and have your love tested through having to prove how willing you are to overcome barriers in order to be together. Or there might be deep, emotional issues to work through from a long karmic history you both share, from several lifetimes together.

  You have a natural affinity and might even look alike. Even if you are from different backgrounds and look very different, there will be a clear similarity in your expressions, smiles, ways of speaking, levels of intelligence and discernment i.e. how you show up in the world, almost as if you’re both from the same planet.

  You seem to have been brought together by coincidences, hunches or, even, Divine intervention. Your meeting seems fated and inevitable and the universe seems to have endlessly conspired to bring you together.

  You may, each, have a feeling that you would do almost anything to see the other person happy, even if it meant losing them to someone else

  When you argue, you always know that you have both grown and evolved as a result

  You are best friends and the most passionate lovers all rolled into one

  You know that you could easily spend the rest of your lives loving each other

  Whatever temptations, threats and doubts might come your way, even through disagreements and fall-outs, the strength of your eternal connection lets you both know that, in the end, when all is said and done, there is simply no one else you could possibly belong with. When you’re with them, it’s like coming home.

  Geraldine sighed at the heavy irony of the last line. It might as well have been written just for her. She’d always loved coming home before, but it had never occurred to her that this was simply because it was Ben she’d been coming home to. Ben was home, and now a home without Ben in it was just a stupidly large flat, and a place to sleep and cry.

  It was her own fault, of course; she’d completely taken him for granted. How could she have been so blind to her own feelings? How could she not have seen what was so blatantly obvious?!!! As she compared everything that had happened between them in the last few weeks with every story in all the loveless lives she’d explored during her sessions with Cassia, she understood why it all felt so horribly familiar. And once again, it was too late. Once again, she and Ben had missed the proverbial boat and love had found a way of slipping away. She could easily imagine now that probably, somewhere in those shimmering books in the Akashic records, lay evidence of aeons and aeons of deeply significant bus, boat, train, coach, horse and tram-missing incidents between her and Ben. There had probably been several centuries spent cuckolding various innocent husbands and wives, to spend an unwise hour or two with Ben. And probably, in some cases, entire lifetimes spent avoiding her inevitable fate of being properly reunited with Mr. Wright: always a reason to feel guilty, always a reason for self-denial, always a reason to keep running from their inexorable date with destiny. Even his name was screaming out clues. If it wasn’t so sad, it would almost be funny.

  Chapter 23

  Geraldine had no idea how she was going to get through the rest of her life without Ben. However, she’d done it a few times before so she could, no doubt, probably find the inner resources somewhere. By now he was probably all cozied up with Lena, enjoying more bagels in some New York deli or worse still, some New York hotel. Or even worse than that, in some New York Wedding Planner’s office, once again, planning a wedding that should have included her, but didn’t. She wanted to scream as she sat wondering how many more lifetimes she and Ben were going to play out this ridiculous scenario. One thing was for certain, the next time she came across him, in any future lifetime, she’d know exactly what to do with him. There’d be no more of this messing about. They’d meet in kindergarten and be inseparable until the day they died...together.....married, whether he liked it or not. The only saving grace in all of this had been, at least, the fact that Ben had obviously never even entertained any of those finer feelings for her in this lifetime. Apart from that fateful night, of course, when he’d been almost convincing as someone who was deeply in love, rather than just a curious friend... Not hard when you genuinely liked someone. And it was certainly easy enough to get overemotional and overexcited when you’d had that much champagne...

  But... Ben hadn’t really had any champagne, had he... and he certainly hadn’t been hung-over the following morning when he’d been just as depressed as she was, and had dutifully sta
rted banging on about love and people being in love or whatever...just to make her feel better. It was all just words somehow. Words, words, words, floating around somewhere in her memory of that horrible morning. But why did some of them suddenly feel like real words of love...real love. And why did Ben’s face, as she remembered it that day, suddenly look as if he’d really meant them?

  Her mind was playing tricks on her again. History had now taken it upon itself to begin rewriting itself in every lifetime, even this one. Had Ben said he loved her? And if he had, then where had all this information been hiding all this time!!! No! Of course he hadn’t, nothing like it! As her mind wandered back over the events of that magical night, she could feel the tears welling up again, dangerously, but she was now, even getting tired of feeling bad, so she kept the tears from resurfacing and simply refused to cry anymore.

  Purely on impulse, she called Brogan instead. There was too much happening in such a short space of time, what with the whole of the time-space continuum unravelling around her, and she needed to talk it through with someone she trusted to be fairly grounded about the whole thing, without thinking she was completely insane!

  By the time she arrived at Brogan’s flat, she was feeling a bit calmer. She hadn’t even told her how she’d been feeling. All she'd said was that she didn't feel like being alone. Brogan let her in and sat her down on the sofa, watching her closely from the kitchen as she waited for the kettle to boil. “Aww, hon, you must be feeling really crap now that Ben’s gone, huh?” She said, with her usual directness, then watched with horror, as Geraldine's resolve slowly crumbled, and a fresh flood of tears began to escape treacherously down her cheeks, carrying a layer of clever concealer and mascara with them as they went. Brogan quickly abandoned the kettle and sat down beside her, rubbing her hand sympathetically and reaching for a pile of tissues. She couldn’t help thinking that for someone in such deep denial about her feelings, Geraldine, certainly seemed to be taking this business with Ben really badly. “Aww, hon, its okay, I’m sure he’ll be back for visits, darlin’. I’m sure they both will. Then you’ll get to meet this temptress who’s had the audacity to take him away from us.” Geraldine erupted in another avalanche of copious tears, just at the thought of meeting Lena. Brogan sat back in a chair and shook her head slowly. “Oh God! Geraldine! Don’t tell me you’ve finally gone and realised you’re in love with the guy!!! Finally!! Ah, Gerry, what I'm I gonna do with you! He was right all along wasn’t he?”

  “What do you ....mean?” said Geraldine, dabbing at her nose with tissues, sniffing incessantly and staring at Brogan through the soreness in her overworked eyes.

  “This ‘thrill of the unattainable’ thing: You only want him, now, because you can’t have him anymore.”

  “That is not true, Brogan. How can you say that! I’ve loved him all along; I was just too stupid to see it.” Brogan shook her head...

  “Gerry, I’m sorry Hon, but I don’t think you’re being completely honest with yourself." “What do you mean?”

  “Even I could see that there was something between you guys, and I’m not always the brightest button in the box when it comes to men.” Brogan could have kicked herself as soon as she had spoken, but somehow the words had just rolled off her tongue before she could stop them. Anyway, she reasoned, how long could Ben reasonably expect her to keep his little secret to herself!? Geraldine was her best friend for goodness sake!

  Geraldine sat bolt upright. “What do you mean between us? Ben doesn’t feel the same, does he? Oh ...God!! Brogan!!! Does he?!”

  Brogan looked panic-stricken. She’d somehow, against every natural impulse and inclination, kept Ben's maddening little confession to herself for several weeks! And now, just as it had ceased to be relevant to him, but had suddenly become no less that potentially devastating for Geraldine, this was the time she'd chosen to recklessly slide it on out into the universe in a sudden act of Freudian passive aggression. Just at the point when Ben had finally found someone else to love, and had miraculously managed to extricate himself from the whole, dysfunctional, love-buddy drama with Gerry, this was the time she’d suddenly decided to fall in love with him and start demanding information!! Brogan was lost for words. She just couldn't win! Even as she tried to wriggle away, she could feel Geraldine trying to tune in to her psychically, while watching her closely for any signs of deception...

  “Well does he!?”

  “Errrrrrm. Errrrrr....Hmmmm.... Let's check on that kettle.. ” Brogan got up quickly, hoping that her speed would catch geraldine off guard, but Geraldine grabbed her arm with the reflexes of a lioness.

  “I’m gonna get some tea, darlin’; D’you want some?” She said, carefully struggling free and edging away, towards the kitchen. But Geraldine stopped her again with a long, hard glare, a glare which Brogan recognised instantly as the desperate look of a woman on the edge.

  “Oh God, Gerry, I told you this, months ago...” she said, incredulously.

  “You said you thought he fancied me. You say that about every guy we know!!” Brogan stood there, silently staring at the floor. She honestly didn’t know what to say, next. Her thoughts drifting back to the speed-dating night, when she’d been paired up with Ben for a speed-discussion on the meaning of friendship. Ben had kicked off the discussion, and his thoughts and reflections on the subject had been seemingly endless..."You enjoy the same activities, you share the same or similar interests, they’re always there for you, their smile lights up a room and makes you feel warm and peaceful inside, and when you’re with them you feel better and stronger than you ever were without them. Not because you need them in order to be strong, but because just the fact that you know them at all, and the thought of getting to spend more time with them, makes you feel strong enough to live through anything. And even when they're being ridiculous and impossible, and you both know they're being ridiculous and impossible, they can always put a smile on your face.... You would do absolutely anything for them, just to see them smile again, or to hear them laugh out loud because of something witty or silly you said or did... something that only you two would get. The best times you ever have, are the times you spend with them, because you can totally be yourself with them, and when you're with them, it always feels like coming home." Those were just a few of the points she could remember him sharing, as he’d stared, wistfully into the distance before suddenly stopping, sighing and turned back to look at her questioningly. “What about you Brogan, what’s your idea of true friendship?”

  Brogan remembered how shocked she’d been at the time, by his description of friendship and how she’d mused to herself that he must have a lot of very special friends. However, after a cursory glance around the room, it had suddenly occurred to her that the whole time he’d been speaking he’d been looking over at the place where Geraldine was currently seated next to tall, sinewy man with glasses.

  “Ben,” she’d said, feeling so deeply sad for him, “Those don’t all sound like friendship qualities to me, hon... That sounds like what someone in love might say....about the person they’re in love with..?...” He hadn’t even bothered to deny it. He’d just looked confused... Then just as he’d been about to speak again, the bell rang and he’d literally begged her not to say anything to Geraldine, to keep it to herself. He’d made sure she’d promised before she could eventually manage to get him to leave and make way for her next speed-discuss-ee.

  In the weeks following his inadvertent confession, she’d wrestled with her conscience. It seemed so wrong at first to be keeping secrets from Gerry. But she’d told herself that, in the long-term, it was probably for the best. But it wasn’t as if she hadn’t tried to tell her. She’d done enough hinting for any sane person to join the dots. But Geraldine, much as she loved her, was the mistress of all self-delusion. Even now, it was unfathomable just how dense she was still being...

  “Brogan, if you know something that you think I should know, you have to tell me.” She said unblinkingly. Brogan slumped back int
o the chair opposite her, assailed by a brief moment of resignation, before determination and common sense took over, once again.

  “What’s the point, hon; he’s gone now. What good would it do you to know what I think? It’s only my opinion anyway.”

  “Please Brog, I need to know. I can handle it, honestly.”

  “Okay but you have to promise me it’s gonna help you to feel better and not worse. I’m gonna tell you what I think, and then it stops right there. All of it! K? You’re gonna sit quietly and chill the heck out about all this nonsense with Ben. I’ll tell you, right up front, what I think, then we’re gonna have some tea, have a nice chat. It's over, done! You go home, give yourself a mini facial, watch some chick flicks, book a mani-pedi, talk to your guides, whatever.. Meditate, masturbate, medicate or menstruate. I don't care!! Do whatever you gotta do to get him out of your system and move on! You come in to work tomorrow completely over him, and Ben’s gonna keep right on, riding off into the sunset....k?”

  “Okay, okay, I promise.” At this point, Geraldine would have agreed to almost anything to gain any kind of new insight. She took a big, shaky deep breath and Brogan prepared for the worst. “Ben was hopelessly in love with you darlin’” She said, squeezing her hand in a way that was meant to be reassuring but that actually hurt a little bit. Geraldine gasped loudly. “But you just couldn’t see it, hon. Oh, he was good at hidin’ it, no doubt about it, but he couldn’t hide it from me. He told me at the speed dating event. Made me swear to keep it to myself.”

  “Oh nooooooo,” Geraldine whined. Maybe she wasn’t ready for the truth after all. “So why didn’t he say anything?”

  Brogan rolled her eyes. “Would you, if you were him!?” she asked, with all the patience she could muster. You treated him like shit, hon; let’s be honest. It’s not your fault, you didn’t know but ...come on, how do you think he must have felt, watching you with all those guys, and then you teasing him about his love-life all the time and treating him like a lost puppy. And then when something did happen between you, you acted like it was nothing!! How do you think he felt when you sat there worrying about what Toby would think, when he probably realised he’d found the love of his life?”